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I think this whole anti-social phase is a result of me just feeling. In the past, I’ve been suppressing my feelings, maintaining a steady stream of what I thought was bliss, but just a flatlined emotionless existence. Signs of the suppression include my inability to trust.

So, I’m feeling. And I’m suffering. I’m feeling a lot of pent up emotions from my past that I’ve ignored for too long. And I’m dealing with them by myself. It’s the only way. If anyone is around me, I can’t be myself. I’ll revert to my social self, my automatic response self. I’ll be polite and courteous. And I’ll risk being a harmful.

During my Vipassana meditation retreat, we were to maintain truthfulness. This was achieved by eliminating communication. Likewise, in order to maintain non-violence, I am eliminating contact with other people.

When I’m with people, I am disgusted. I don’t like it. I don’t like the way I have to behave. I don’t like having to play nice.

Alone, I can feel. I can really feel. I can feel my disgust at humanity. I can feel my disgust at myself. I can deal with it. I can keep it in. I can yell and kick and scream and nobody will get hurt. And I will be fine.

If I’m with others, I can just keep silent. I talk carefully. I fantasize about screaming at the top of my lungs, and that scares me. I’d rather fantasize about that alone.

So excuse me if I am hard to reach.