This month went by quickly. The month started off with me being upset at my dad. Then I arrived in Koh Samui, Thailand, treating the teacher training course as a yoga retreat. My stress level increased as soon as I realized the first exam was coming up. At that point my stress remained steady until tonight. Finally releasing all that stress made me realize how stressed I really was.
I’ve learned a lot this month, though it’s hard to articulate exactly what. I used to think of yoga as just postures, but now yoga’s more of a lifestyle, philosophical, and spiritual guideline.
Many questions I didn’t even know I had were answered about the postures.
Many of my flaws were highlighted. Many of my strengths were highlighted.
It was a month of subtle change, cleansing, injury, and growth.
I used to regret a lot. I used to wallow in my misery, trying to get others to pity me. That’s how I got sympathy, until Irene snapped at me and told me to stop regretting all the time. It hurt, at the time, but it was what I needed to hear, to be aware of my own thought patterns.
Is suffering a gift? Without suffering, if all I led was a hedonistic lifestyle, I’d be too distracted by all the sensual pleasures to view life from a different perspective. Instead, I’m forced to view life differently, or continue to suffer.
Tonight I am grateful for:
My mother for smothering me, forcing me to grow independent.
My father for being so strict, forcing me to be strong enough to stand up to him.
My good karma, which has allowed me to walk into the hazy future and consistently come out better than I could have ever planned.
My ability to appreciate life, which has reduced my suffering tremendously.
My fear, which I’ve faced many times and forced me to grow some balls.
I’ve been writing every day for a while now. When I first decided to write my nightly reflections, I had a ton of thoughts to jot down—probably because I had bottled them all up while on my digital sabbatical. Then I ran dry for a while. Maybe it was a lack of stimulation—I was meditating, practicing yoga, and sleeping.
The past few weeks I haven’t had any trouble writing at all. I don’t know how the quality is, but I certainly don’t have a lack of things to write.
A Zen monk and friend of mine, Susan O’Connell, taught me something important recently. Susan is Vice President of the San Francisco Zen Center and a movie and TV actress in a former life.
She gave a talk about how she goes through her day, and it was enlightening. I’ve since put her ideas into practice.
Susan says she gives equal weight to every action, to every moment. We tend to do the opposite: certain things we do are more important than others and so we mentally focus on those and give little thought to the smaller things.
Susan gives equal weight to meditating, working on an important project, talking with a stranger, walking to her car in the parking lot, eating a bowl of soup. None is more important than the other. Even the space between things is given equal weight.
The spaces between things: when we move from email to talking to a co-worker, that is a space between things. When we move from eating to putting our dish in the sink, that’s a space between. And we tend to barely register these spaces on our consciousness.
Imagine giving these spaces the same weight as you would something more “important”. What would a day filled with these important spaces be like? In my experience, it means we’re more mindful, that we have a slower and more evenly paced day, that we are calmer and more at peace. It means less stress, and less effort.
Awesome mindset. When I focus on being mindful, I tell myself, “This is the most important thing to do right now”, whether it’s walking to class or pouring a cup of water. Suddenly I’m no longer killing time. Suddenly I’m living.
I notice a negative trend in my posts. But I don’t think I have a negative attitude. I wonder if it’s just the way I write.
As the saying goes, “There’s no news like bad news.” Maybe I just don’t consider good news interesting enough to share?
To end on a good note: only one more test to go before I’m done! Then, practice, practice, practice! Although I guess that would be true for the rest of my life…
The thing that bothers me, though, is that I waited until the last moment to study, as usual. I don’t understand why I do that—it always stresses me out. Yet because of the good results I get, I am conditioned to do it again and again.
Perhaps I should accept that that’s how I study, that’s how I do things: last minute. Obviously trying to change this habit has not worked, and I just get down about not doing things the “right” way.
Yet it’s not about the results, is it? It’s about the process. The fact that I passed doesn’t negate the self-induced stress.
It’s all about the results, and the result was that I sacrificed tranquility.
Whenever I have something important coming up, like a date, a test, or a flight, I always wind up getting distracted doing something else. Today was a free day. I had nothing to do but to relax and a little bit of studying, but I was very focused on polishing the design on my site.
That’s good and all, but I have an oral exam tomorrow, and as confident as I am about it, it would be good to focus a little.
I am unable to accept this self-sabotaging habit of mine.
Anyway, this site has been simplified greatly. I read about baseline grids and implemented it. All the fonts are the same size. The color palette has been consolidated. Even the titles have been removed.
Yes, I removed the titles. I found they were not contributing to the post at all, and they were always the first thing to be read. So now I removed them to get a more streamlined reading experience. Let’s see how well this works.
I took an Ayurvedic survey and I’m definitely Kapha (water & earth), though I seem to have Vāta (air & space) qualities as well. This means that I am slow and steady, bordering on lazy, love to sleep. I need more fire, so I thrive in warm climates, warm food, spicy food, exercise, etc.
Interestingly, this was the same thing the fortune teller told me last year. He said I was a wood type, but since I was born in the winter, I am like a tree waiting for the sun to warm me up to bloom. So heat would be good for me, red colored stuff, sleeping toward the sun, etc.
All the Ayurvedic stuff makes sense, too: eat raw veggies because it’s energetic and light; eat cooked and spicy food for the fire; don’t eat too much or I’ll feel sluggish. Having battled oversleeping all my life, the sticky muddy feeling is all too familiar. Becoming a raw vegan was such a boon to my body at first, but eventually my Ashtanga practice consumed all the fat on my thin, Vāta frame.
As Sara said, it’s tricky trying to balance these opposites, water and earth versus air and space.
Some more general Ayurvedic tips: eat light food to ease digestion, eat when the right nostril is open, lunch should be the biggest meal, eat when hungry rather than on a schedule, be cheerful, eat heated food to ease digestion, present food nicely, and be grateful.
Sometimes I ask parents what their kids want to be when they grow up.
Do they want to be president? Do they want to be Gaga? Do they want to be a robot?
How will they know when they’ve made it?
How will you know when you’ve made it?
I haven’t worked in three years. I’m traveled to the point where I am no longer interested in the external world. I’m training, in Thailand, to teach yoga, which I love because it keeps me healthy and helps people. Every day I find more contentment (which is more in my head than out).
I’ve made it. I just need to remind myself every so often.
My body’s falling apart. All the yoga, all the ego, all the poor posture while sitting on the floor or typing on the laptop, reading on the bed, all led to my neck and lower back being injured. So ironically, I hurt myself learning how to live and teach a healthy lifestyle.
It’s all part of the experience, of course, and I acknowledge it. Without these injuries, I wouldn’t get experience. Without the experience, I wouldn’t have noticed the injuries until they were too late.
Our anatomy teacher, Simon, helped me out. He cracked my C4 vertebra on Monday, instantly strengthening my right shoulder and relieving some neck pain. Some tightness lingered, so tonight he performed some acupuncture on my right hand, shoulders, and lower back. My neck’s range of motion increased and my shoulders and lower back relaxed.
I always thought I was stiff, but a lot of my fellow teachers-in-training tell me I’m super flexible. And it’s true, a lot of them can’t get into the poses I can.
But I’m flexible now, because of the work I put in. Biking half an hour to 6 am classes. Practice while the world slept. Ego-caused injuries. 200 hours of training in a foreign country.
Nobody understands. They see a hobby. They see a hedonistic lifestyle. They see potential spiraling down the drain.
The past two weeks in Koh Samui, I’ve been walking barefoot. I love walking barefoot, it’s so liberating.
But it’s got its dangers. Tonight I walked back with some classmates, in the dark, and I felt a sharp sting on the bottom of my foot. The next two or three steps hurt more and more, so I picked up my foot, thinking I stepped on some glass. It was a bug of some sort. I reflexively flicked it away and hobbled back to my room.
My foot was throbbing. I was worried. What kind of bug was it? Was it poisonous? Am I going to die?
I got back to my room and shined a flashlight on it. I saw a tiny stinger with short sticky stuff, like a string of spiderweb, and pulled it out. I still have it next to my bed, on tissue, in case I die.
Anyway, this may be my last post. If so, it was good knowing everybody. I had a great time, and hope to continue practicing yoga and meditating next life, if there is such a thing.
Tonight we watched Doing Time Doing Vipassana, a documentary about Vipassana meditation’s effect on Tihar Jail, the biggest prison in India. It reminded me of how Vipassana changed my perspective on life, made me a better person. I’ve been so focused on my yoga teacher training that I’ve been neglecting my meditation.
This movie also confirms that Paul is aware of Vipassana. I wonder how he balances Vipassana and yoga.
I’m worried about my upcoming philosophy exam. We were reviewing over dinner, testing each other, and some of my classmates know more than I do. I left feeling very behind.
One of the yoga sutras we have to know is abhyāsa-vairāgyābhyāṁ tan-nirodhaḥ, which means The complete channelization of all behavior is possible through repeated practice and non-dependence (non-attachment, a disinterest in other objects).
Applying it to my situation, I should study hard without comparing myself to my classmates.
Early on I learned not to worry about exams after taking them. Why worry about something that’s out of my hands?
The original goal of this site was to inspire you, the reader, to never return. To live life to the fullest, rather than reading my ramblings. That’s what happened to me when I first read Gwen Bell’s Digital Sabbatical.
While initially the Internet created an infinitely deep distraction well, it has also connected people in a way that allows us to collectively see how many of us are discontent with our lives, and, more importantly, discover those who are content, and find out how.
My presence comes and goes. It’s actually easy to be present, I just…let go. I let go of the thoughts in my head, I let go of attaching the body with the consciousness. The difficulty lies in remembering to let go. Like a tense muscle from years of stress, it reflexively tightens up.
Tonight I fell asleep a few times watching a video. This resulted from a mixture of overeating, which Paul warned us about five times today, and the movie’s narration being super dry.
It also brought me super present.
Every so often, I go to a web site, read a passage in a book, hear something, think of something, or meditate, and all identification with the self and thoughts of the future or past disappear. This was one of those moments.
So I was watching the movie, and I noticed the way I felt. I noticed how sleepy I was becoming, I noticed fighting it. I noticed falling asleep a few times, awakening, and still being present. It was like in Being John Malkovich, except I was in myself. I experienced life as me, but as though I were watching a movie.
After chanting, we all sit silent, feeling the space left. I am suddenly aware of the silence that had always been there. Just as our voices strengthened as one, our silence was just as powerful.
I am sitting here, typing this, and there is silence. I can hear my roommate’s fan spinning. I can hear the crickets chirping outside. I can hear some odd machinery humming. I can hear the footsteps of my roommate as he comes in, suddenly breaking the silence.
This morning’s practice was low energy. I skipped everything between nãvãsana (boat pose) and ūrdhva dhanurãsana (upward bow pose). However, with Sara’s assistance, I did my first two drop-backs!
Paul was surprised I didn’t finish the primary series. My ego wants to believe that these expectations are because I was awesome during morning practice. The little compliments I get really stroke my ego. One girl said I was really flexible after we worked together. Another guy said my pose was perfect when I modeled in front of the class.
It’s nice to get these compliments, but sometimes they distract me from my practice. I find myself competing with my classmates to go faster or go deeper, rather than listening to my body. So I remind myself to focus on my own practice.
Detachment from the ego is an exercise of its own.
Today our class did another session of karma yoga. This time we planted trees. We split into two groups: the first group would take the wrapper off the trees and put them into holes that were already dug. The second group would follow the lady down the street. The first group didn’t sound very exciting, so I went with the second group.
It turns out the second group had to plant trees inside a swamp. We walked through the thigh-high water, our feet sinking a foot with each step. It was gross, but once we got used to it, it was actually kinda fun.
We got back and the first group looked pristine. We looked like we survived a mudslide. We are bad ass.
Speaking of karma, I don’t seem to get mosquito bites much anymore. I guess the hundreds of bites I got during my meditation retreat cleansed me of all my bad mosquito karma.
This morning I felt really guilty. My alarm rang but I shut it off. I didn’t do my breathing exercises. I skipped a bunch of cleansing exercises. I arrived at the detox center late. I was too tired to study like I planned to.
Yet I knew I had nothing to feel guilty about. This was my sixth day of detoxing and my eighth day of teacher training. I did a liver flush last night, so I had skipped dinner and couldn’t eat or drink, not even water, until everything was out. And today was our day off anyway.
Luckily I was able to maintain equanimity. Knowing this feeling was irrational, I observed the feeling, observed my nonsensical thoughts, and continued with my day. Instead of questioning “Why?” and beating myself up for feeling guilty, I accepted this feeling, knowing it will pass.
I’m here in Koh Samui, Thailand, training to be a yoga teacher. Naturally, there are a lot of distractions: the beach, other students, etc. But I find myself withdrawing from all that. I need to focus. This month, I’m a teacher-in-training. I’m not here to socialize, I’m not here to sightsee. I’m here to be the best damn yoga instructor I can be, for my students.
We watched a video about Amma, the hugging saint. Just seeing a video of someone with that amount of compassion was inspiring. I was super friendly to everyone the rest of the night. I greeted everyone, I wished everyone a good night, I genuinely thanked the staff who served me. Effortless compassion!
It’s nice having role models. I hope to increase my compassion. I hope the world increases its compassion!
I saw Paul at dinner, alone at the juice bar. Paul’s the founder of Yoga Thailand. He’s really funny in class, making ridiculous jokes nonstop. It’s quite a performance.
So I was surprised that he was alone. I waved at him and walked over, intending to ask a question I had during class.
As I got closer I noticed he looked a little out of it. Putting aside my own needs, I asked how he was. He said he had the best night of sleep last night. This was because the night before, he hadn’t slept at all, due to jetlag. Still, he had to run the place, teach, and deal with e-mail. It’s his duty.
He put on such a performance during class, I had no idea of his situation. I saw a completely different side of him. It was nice talking to him as a friend and not a student.
Ironically, our conversation answered my question anyway. Karma sure works fast.
We started off with a fire ritual. We chanted Sanskrit and tossed offerings to the flame. Rituals mark milestones in my life. Today was the first full day of my teacher training. A girl offered her seat in front of the flame, so I was able to participate fully. Thank you.
Morning yoga was slow and detailed. Breathing slowly and paying attention to the small details proved challenging. In many ways, I am still a beginner, which is good. I can relate better to students and I will continue to learn.
As a karma yoga exercise, I cleaned up a field across the street. I picked up soda bottles, candy wrappers, and cigarette butts. Cleaning others’ trash increased awareness of my own “out of sight out of mind” attitude.
Tomorrow is Day 1 of my detox. My ego wanted to go for 10 days, but I’m going to trust the professionals to judge what’s best for me. Supposedly, I will experience memories, emotions, and illnesses trapped in my body as I process them. Combining it with my teacher training was my ego’s idea, but it’s also a good opportunity to compress more life-changing activities together.
I completed a report on the Yoga Sutras of Pantajali, read tonight’s required reading on Sanskrit and postures, and read through the detox manual. It’s now 12:30. It’s weird being a student again. I realize that I need to do homework on a more timely manner, instead of doing it last thing at night. I tried to finish up my reading this afternoon but fell asleep, one of the dangers of studying in bed.
It’s a little scary, knowing the amount of work ahead of me, knowing that detoxifying may make it difficult to focus. Yet I try to do things as I always do, one day at a time, one moment at a time, rather than thinking about the terrifying cumulative amount of work.
I’m in Koh Samui. I forgot to eat at the Suvarnabhumi Airport Burger King, which Jessica said was the bomb-diggity. Since I’m doing a detox program here, I won’t be eating Burger King on my way back either.
Yup, I’ve decided to do the detox program here. I was under the weather last month, so it’s a good opportunity to cleanse my insides. I’ve always wanted to do one ever since Jeremy talked about how his body “felt like butter”.
Most importantly, though, I want to purify my body. As impermanent as my body is, I feel it would help me on my quest to purify the mind. Less bodily weirdness means more focus on purifying the mind.
Airport security confiscated my shampoo and I can’t find my soap, so I’ve been using Samahita’s soap to wash my hair, face, and body. It’s strangely satisfying to simplify another area of my life.
There are no highways. There are no traffic lights.
For being in a foreign country for the first time, I am surprisingly underwhelmed. I have trouble communicating and I can’t read most of the stuff, but I don’t feel lost or helpless.
There was a blackout for a few minutes. I was about to shower. Instead I walked out of my balcony and chatted with my neighbors.
♫ I’m going, going, pack, pack, to Thailand, Thailand ♫
That sounded better in my head.
Anyway, I’m flying out tomorrow for my month-long yoga teacher training. My plan is still to fall in love with Thailand and move there, short-circuiting the traditional retirement plan. Wish me luck!
Jessica asked, “What if you see your true self and it turns out to be a bad person? How would you react?”
I would first try to accept myself. I am who I am. There’s no use denying it. Then, I would work on changing myself. The concept of “me” is definitely malleable. Despite all the effort, I would still accept myself as who I am, the rotten egg.
I never told her my answer, though. Instead I asked a more interesting question: “What if you see your true self and it turns out to not exist? That you’re nothing more than a sophisticated organic computer program?”
I hear her breathing through the door. I hear each thud as she lands gently on the mat. I hear rubber letting go of sweaty skin with each Sun Salutation. My mom is practicing yoga, all by herself.
My mom knew she needed exercise, but she lacked the motivation. I tried encouragement, reasoning, friendly reminders. I even tried pointing out that she was lazy.
Finally I realized that I was being lazy. I was ordering her around rather than spending quality time with my mom. Hypocrite.
So I left the cozy comforts of my room and told my mom it’s time to do yoga.
“I’m watching TV.”
I turned off the TV.
“I have to pee.”
“I’ll wait.”
“I have to poo!”
“I can wait all night. I just woke up.”
Out of excuses, she stomped onto the mat. I guided her through the Sun Salutations, then had her repeat. After a few minutes, she was on a roll! I adjusted her a few times, but mostly stayed out of the way so she could memorize the sequence and establish a self-practice.
We worked together the next few days: she practiced while I taught.
I cracked open the door and peeked out. She caught me and made a face that said, “I’m awesome.”
Plato’s Cave portrays the philosophers’ dilemma: the world is under delusion, they are the only ones who see it, and in trying to free others from delusion they are condemned for being crazy.
Similarly, most people have a hard time seeing the world as I do. Nobody understands why I became uninterested in prestige, material things, and even girls. I tried to explain to Wendy today as she was trying on a necklace:
I like Wendy’s necklace. It’s pretty nice. I’ve had necklaces in the past. They were nice too. But I like not wearing a necklace, too. I’m not repulsed by them; I might even get another one someday. But I don’t wonder when I’ll find another one, I don’t wonder if I’ll ever find the perfect necklace for me. They’re just…necklaces.
That’s basically the same way I feel about girls. They’re nice. One day I might want a girlfriend again. Or I might grow old, alone. That’s fine too. I’ve been alone. I’ve overcome that fear.
Most people can’t wrap it around their heads, this concept of being okay alone. I dealt with this in Seattle. I survived.
“What if you get sick and nobody is around to take care of you?” Then I die. It’s not like I’ll live forever. It’s not like she’ll live forever.
Extending my analogy, I feel the same way about my life. It’s nice to have money, shelter, friends, and family. But if they disappear, that’s cool too. I don’t mind living in a new place, free of my history. Or even dying. Everyone dies.
Instead of worrying about losing the things in my life, I choose to appreciate them, right now. I value every second I spend with my friends and family. I value every second I read. But I know that they will all disappear one day. So will I.
I’ve decided to do monthly reviews to track long term progress. This should be interesting, since I can’t remember last week.
My meditation was consistent, morning and evening, but social obligations and being sick messed it up. The time has increased in five minute increments from an hour to an hour and ten minutes. I started sitting Native American style, then half-lotus with right leg on top, and now left leg on top. The goal is full-lotus. I’ve started meditating while trying to sleep, to fit in more meditation.
I’ve been triggered a few times. I don’t like it, but growth is painful. My dad has helped the most.
I moved my blog to WordPress to spend less time coding and more time inspiring the world. I wrote every night. My writing has changed. My standards have raised. Wendy’s input helped.
My yoga practice has gotten less consistent due to my cough. Also my monthly pass expired, so there’s less motivation.
Next month I hope to be in better physical shape and have a regular schedule so I can get all the meditation, yoga, and writing in. I also hope to improve my writing and its reach.
I was still in bed when my mom brought back lunch. It was one in the afternoon. My dad told me to get up, that food’s here. I ignored him. He repeated himself. I said ok and stayed in bed.
He yelled into the room again and again, increasingly frustrated. “You’re 30-something and you’re still like this!” My eyes opened momentarily. I caught him shaking his head, disappointed. What was going on?
I was tired. The early lecture killed my hunger. I figured I could:
Get up and eat, even though I wasn’t hungry. This reeked of cowardice and submission and my ego would not allow it.
Stay in bed and ignore him in an act of defiance, a sort of passive resistance. As much as I wanted to do this, I knew my dad would just get more riled up.
Figuring the best action, the harmonious one, was something in between, I calmly and deliberately made my next few moves. I walked into the bathroom. I scraped my tongue. I brushed my teeth. I talked to my mom for a few minutes, buying time until the dreaded, inevitable next action.
I sat down facing him and started eating, as though nothing happened.
And then, nothing happened.
We didn’t talk. He didn’t even look at me. I got the feeling his mind was elsewhere.
All day long I wondered why my dad was so pissed. I didn’t bring it up to anyone, trying to just accept that it happened. I knew I was still emotional, but I didn’t let it control my actions.
Reprieve came at last from my mom. In an off-handed comment, she said, “I don’t understand why your dad was so mad this morning.” Acknowledgement was all I needed.
Afterward I was far nicer to my dad. I called him, asking if he wanted dinner. I greeted him with a smile as we brought home food. He reciprocated in kind.
