Arguments in my Head

In the weeks leading up to my parents’ visit, I noticed an increase in fantasies where I would have smart quips to put down any insults my dad would throw at me. I would recognize these as they appeared, cut off the fantasies, and become present. Sometimes they would persist, but either way, my mind was occupied.

Lately I’ve been trying to replace these fantasies with realities. So I grew some balls and faced my dad. I talked to him, honestly, telling him my beliefs, my feelings, and challenging him in his inconsistent words and actions. I replaced my fantasies with real conversations with my dad.

Surprisingly, I began to recognize more and more of myself in him. Like him, I am very philosophical. Like him, I have dreams. Like him, when I get challenged, I get in my head, shut off the world, and become cold and distant.

I recognize these similarities, and can relate to him better. Additionally, I try to change the fact that I shut down and become cold and distant, and instead make myself vulnerable, showing warmth and love. I started hugging my dad every night before going to sleep, even if I had fantasies in my head of one-upping him in logical arguments. I started to actually enjoy conversations with him. I started to be honest with my beliefs.

It’s nice to improve my relationship with my dad. Now I’d like to work on getting to know my brother better.