Unwanted

I just found out that Tommy and Theresa are looking to move earlier than expected. This means that I’m getting kicked out earlier than expected.

I feel sad. I feel fear. I wonder if I had anything to do with the decision.

I can probably crash at Uncle Andy’s place.

My behavior changed upon hearing the news. I withdrew. I walked into the bathroom for no reason. I walked into my room for no reason. I felt out of place. I felt unwanted.

Did I have anything to do with the decision?

I don’t want to ask because I think they will say no. I don’t want to appear weak in front of them. But asking would be stronger than hiding with my feelings.

If they say no, I have not lost anything. I will wonder if they lied to spare my feelings, but that’s what I’m wondering already. Or I can accept it at face value and trust them. If they say yes, I can find out what I did, if anything.

I just asked. Tommy assured me it had nothing to do with me, while Theresa, in the middle of a long speech about how she wants a yard, leaked that it’s tough having four beings in a one-bedroom apartment.

My assessment: I did contribute, but more as a footnote.

I feel better.

I still carry resentment. I feel betrayed. Bros before hos, man! How many times have I done shit for you?

Covert contract, anyone?

The feeling of, “Tommy, when are you going to grow some balls?” contributes. I feel that Tommy has let his girl take over the relationship again, and this time it’s affecting me.

It’s odd. I’m used to moving all the time, so why am I so upset?

Also I’m upset that Theresa doesn’t share her grudges against me when they are small. She lets them build up and them blow up on me. Instead of telling me she’s freaking out about my parents visiting, she holds it in. I feel that her bottling up her emotions, then blowing them up in a sideways manner to get rid of me, is very passive aggressive and prevents me from being able to fix the situation.

I’m holding back emotion right now, too. I don’t want to explode unnecessarily.

I’m trying to figure out how to act. Is this a matter that should be handled with thought or with the wild man? Thinking things through often don’t work, as I’ve observed at the NWTA.

What would a strong leader do? My mission is to create a marvelous, carefree fun world by leading by example. I can lead by example by being okay with it, finding my next destination soon, and go peacefully. Starting a fight will only create resentment. I’ll never live with Tommy again if I don’t go when I am asked.

My shadow mission: create a boring, worrisome serious world by following. I don’t ever leave the apartment, and with this change I just blow up. So I want to maintain the boringness of their existence, and I create worry by blowing up. I am not leading, not adapting to the situation. Instead I prevent them from having fun.

Resenting doesn’t feel good. I just turned my resentment to curiosity: I asked how their search was coming along, what they were looking for, etc. I wanted to say whatever it was was awesome, but they didn’t give enough details.

I now accept the situation. I know I need to find a place to live soon. I harbor no bad feelings toward either Tommy or Theresa. No overt ones, anyway.

I feel good.