Loyalty

Last night I felt betrayed. I searched deep into my past actions to see where I have betrayed others. If I felt betrayed, chances are, I have betrayed someone.

Just now I remembered betraying Tommy.

We were at Cancun. I wanted to get laid. I decided that my chances of doing so would be higher if I stuck with Jeremy and Jake. For most of the week, I had not spent time with Tommy or Dave, despite me inviting them to Cancun.

One night Tommy hooked us up with VIP seating at a venue. We all agreed to go. By the time it was time to go, Jake and Jeremy weren’t feeling good from all the drinking. I was feeling okay, but I wanted Jake and Jeremy to go, and I felt that if they didn’t go, I shouldn’t. It was a crowd mentality thing, I think.

I was conflicted. Eventually I let Tommy know we weren’t going to make it. Knowing he wasn’t going to be okay with it, I messaged him abruptly and told him I’m going to sleep, so he didn’t have a chance to convince me or yell at me for breaking my word. I thought I got away with it.

That night I met up with Tommy and Dave. Tommy was drunk. He had forgotten about the incident until I apologized. Then he told me how fucked up it was. Apologizing did not work anymore, partly because I was insincere. He wanted me to admit that I was Jake’s little bitch.

He was right. I was Jake’s little bitch that week. I betrayed my best friend to get pussy. I knew I was going to do it. I even openly announced it at the beginning of the week, that I was going to be trying to get laid, that I may abandon Tommy and Dave. That, I thought, gave me permission to break further promises.

I refused to admit I was Jake’s little bitch. He saw right through me that night. Instead I insisted that he was drunk, and that we’d talk about it in the morning. He agreed.

The next morning neither of us brought up the incident.

It bothered me to be accused of being Jake’s bitch. Days, weeks, months later, I brought it up again, expecting Tommy to admit he was wrong. I was wrong. He stood his ground. An old argument was renewed. We had to agree to disagree.

Matthew was the cool kid in school. I was insecure. In elementary school, I asked him who his best friend was. He said, Farhad. I asked him who his next best friend was. He said Fawad. I asked him who his next best friend was. He said I. Insecurity temporarily satisfied, we went on with our homework.

Paul moved into my building in fifth grade. Since we lived together, and I was rarely allowed to go out, we spent a lot of time together and I quickly bonded with him. He was also nerdy and I couldn’t keep up with Matthew’s popularity, so Paul replaced Matthew.

Paul had a younger brother, Lee. Lee stole. I wanted to hang out with Paul, so often Lee tagged along. I invited Paul and Lee up, and stuff would get stolen. Of course, it’s my parents’ stuff, so they would find out, get angry, and punish me.

I was caught between having a close friend and avoiding punishment by my family.

Paul openly said he back-stabs all his friends. He demonstrated this when he teamed up with another friend of mine, Warren, and mocked my big nose. Together, they pretended that every inhalation sucked them toward my nose. I was hurt, but they were my only friends.

Paul defended Lee when he was accused of stealing, and rightly so. He is, after all, family. What I didn’t see at the time was that Paul was also a thief.

One time Paul invited me into his room. He showed me where he hid his money, showed me how much money he had. Then he said it was my turn. I was smart enough to see the unjustness of this act. I refused, telling him I didn’t see why I had to. He tried to pressure me, but I didn’t budge. It’s only now that I see what he was really up to.

I’ve caught Lee with my Marvel cards. Back then, I was in love with comics. Marvel comics published collectable cards and, being relatively well off, I bought a lot of them. I’ve seen Lee walk out of my room, clearly with my cards sticking out of his pant pockets. I don’t remember if I stopped him immediately, but I do remember summoning up the courage to face Paul and accuse Lee of stealing my cards. There are some really rare cards that I had, that Lee suddenly possessed. I told Paul those were mine. Paul asked Lee, and Lee said they were his. That settled it. I couldn’t win.

Paul and his family eventually moved away, so I drifted back to Matthew for friendship. “So now that Paul’s gone, you’re back, huh?”

Our friendship had changed. He made new friends; I was still a loner. I was no longer #3, while he was, in a sense, still #1.

Our last interaction was right after I was accepted to Stuyvesant High School, a prestigious public school in New York. Everyone wanted to go, but only I and one or two other kids I knew were accepted. Matthew was not one of them.

Matthew asked me for something. Some help, some object, I forget. I told him no. Maybe it was my tonality, maybe it was that I stood up for myself. He walked away and shot back, “I’m glad you’re going to Stuy.”

In retrospect, my insecurity had ruined both friendships. I was not confident enough to hang out with Matthew, so I left him for Paul. Then I took Paul’s backstabbing because he was my best friend. Finally, Matthew showed me the pain of my disloyalty.

Let me lead by example, let me do what’s right. Let me be the loyal best friend I’ve always wanted.