Being Compassionate

Recently I’ve been working on connecting better with people. Though I’ve talked to literally thousands of people, mostly girls, I have been unable to build connections that are as strong as the ones I had with my friends from school or girlfriends. So I focused on this part of me for a few months.

This led me to learn about buddhism, meditation, and throwing out a lot of the pickup mindset (attraction, being high value, etc.) Surprisingly it led me to strengthen my existing relationships as well, namely with my friends and family.

Being compassionate with others requires two things. The first is to understand where they are coming from. The rest of the world, no matter how much I disagree with them, is not stupid. There is always a reason why they do what they do, want what they want. Perhaps they grew up in a traditional Asian family, where they were taught that family is most important, that you must give your life to your family. That is not wrong. It is not right, either. It’s simply the way things are, simply the way they were brought up. Growing up in New York, forcing myself to be brainwashed by Brad, I’ve become a lot more independent-minded, standing up for what I believe to be right, taking care of my own needs. Again, not wrong nor right.

I have been working hard to understand everybody I disagree with, to understand where they are coming from, and to share my views as well. When I find myself disagreeing with someone, instead of looking at all the flaws in their arguments, I question their flaws. These are not flaws at all, really, just points where I disagree with, points which if given an opportunity to explain, I might wind up agreeing with.

The second thing compassion requires is acceptance. This is tricky. Instead of wondering why my mom doesn’t like my hair, I’ve simply accepted that she doesn’t like my hair. That’s just her taste. I don’t try to convince her, I accept her as she is. I accept that she does not accept me. Ironically, once I stopped fighting with her on this, I started enjoying her company much more. I became a more pleasant person. I am not insecure about my looks, I take amusement from her reaction.

The part that’s tricky is where my dad tries to get me to be a family-oriented man. Perhaps it’s tricky only because I haven’t spent that much time doing it. He is so set in his ways, the way he was brought up to believe that family is everything, that explaining my position that I don’t care if I die having achieved nothing, that I don’t care if I don’t have children, that I don’t want to make money to support my extended family, that it breaks my heart every time I even veer near the topic. His reaction is usually loud and angry, which makes it difficult for me to stay calm and collected. It is difficult to accept a man screaming in your face.

The truth of the matter is, I do care about all those things he preaches about. It’s just not at the forefront of my mind, they are secondary. I feel that having those as my primary focus will derail my development as a man, as a human being. I cannot accept regressing to being my former self, doing what my parents and society told me to do without believing in it.

Perhaps I need to accept my former self.