Breaking Free Activity #3

I am the oldest in my family. I did well in school. I thought I was better than my brother because of my grades. My dad used to be an alcoholic. My mom thinks my dad’s useless in many ways, and she has convinced me the same thing. Thus I hate gambling, because he did that a lot. I dislike the stock market because he’s lost a lot of money there. I don’t like being stupid because my mom told me my dad is, so I have to be smart. As a teenager I never drank, smoked, or did drugs. To this day my mom doesn’t think I’ve ever smoked or did drugs. In Shanghai I smoked a pack and a half in one day. But then my throat hurt so I stopped. I’ve only smoked weed so far. I’ve drank alcohol in front of my parents. I still feel that I need to keep up an image of myself not having tried out these drugs, ashamed that I have done these things. It’s a weird feeling.

I believed my mom to be very hard working, devoted to the family, working long hours seven days a week. She has a mantra: I’ve never done malicious to you. I have a hard time turning my back to my parents as they are growing old and ask me to take care of them in return for raising me. I feel guilty and selfish for wanting to live my own life.

My parents were strict and are, to this day, overprotective. I was not allowed to go hang out with friends, and stayed home instead. This was probably due to my parents working all the time so I was left home alone, where it was safe. If I had a differing view from my parents, I was wrong. If I spoke up against them, I was showing disrespect, even if I was right I was wrong. I felt powerless against them, helplessly stuck between my parents’ version of what’s right and my interpretation of what’s right.

My parents still try to control my life, more so now that I’m getting into pickup and doing so many things outside the realm of “normal”. Today for the first time I said “no” to my mom instead of feeding her white lies about what I was doing with my life.

I repress my anger to this day. I feel that it’s a bad thing to feel angry, to feel this negative energy. I’m not sure if I’m wrong about this. Actually I don’t repress my anger, I let it out and try not to feel angry by convincing myself that there’s nothing to be angry about, instead of letting it build up inside me.

I didn’t think either of my exes would make it without me. As a child, my dad was alcoholic and hot tempered. I had to be careful of what I said: if something sounded disrespectful, his anger would flare up and he would start yelling and beating. I don’t know if this had to do with his drinking. I was always scared when talking to my dad.

I’ve always been told that I was smart, but lazy. If only I weren’t lazy I would be king of the world. My laziness extends to my lack of ambition when it comes to jobs, searching for jobs, or working hard to climb the corporate ladder. I sleep late and wake late, so I am told that I am lazy because only lazy people sleep into the afternoon. I feel worthless because of my “laziness”, though Nomad calls it “lack of motivation”.