Mario Cart
I ate a banana while driving. Since it’s biodegradable, I tossed it out my window. I expected to hit the car behind me and send it spinning but it didn’t happen. I still won the race, though.
I ate a banana while driving. Since it’s biodegradable, I tossed it out my window. I expected to hit the car behind me and send it spinning but it didn’t happen. I still won the race, though.
Never mind about updating. I’ll probably never catch up.
Going to burning man, so no updates until I get back. l8r h8r!
I live in Pickup Mansion in Hollywood. I was born in New York to two immigrant Chinese parents. I have Nice Guy syndrome and Brad has been helping me out with that.
I love to travel. I lived in NYC most of my life and since discovering the rest of the world I’ve been itching to do more of that. I want to backpack through Europe and South America. I want to take a road trip across the US. I want to visit Australia and New Zealand. I want to live in Shanghai for a year because it’s so different: laws are more like guidelines, I don’t speak the languages, everything is cheap. I want to retire to someplace like Thailand, where it’s a sunny paradise yet the cost of living is so low.
Travel costs money, so I am trying to become a bartender. With bartending skills I can travel the world and make money while building my social skills and hopefully get laid a lot. To achieve this, I am looking to become a bar back first, and move up to bartender.
I’m currently playing bass for the Pickup Mansion band. I practice bass every day and annoy my housemates. I frame control away the complaints. =)
I’m a raw vegan but occasionally I eat meat or cooked food. I’m also learning more about the nutrition in the food I eat.
I don’t like owning stuff unless it’s absolutely necessary. Maybe I watched Fight Club too many times. I treat myself (No More Mr. Nice Guy) by cleaning my room. Part of cleaning my room is throwing out shit I don’t need. Having everything clean and organized makes me feel happy to be in my own room. (Ironically, my mom always told me to clean my room, but I never listened; now I’m doing it for myself.)
I want to be close to my family but I don’t want them trying to influence me.
I want to exercise. I have it on my todo list to do pull-ups, crunches, push-ups, run, or yoga every day. So far I’ve only been doing pull-ups sporadically, and rarely or never done the others.
I’d like to set up a passive income in the far future, but in the near future I am getting mobile skills as a bartender and planning on living in cheap places where the US dollar can carry my far.
I’d like to become a pickup instructor, to travel around the world picking up women.
I was a snowboarding instructor and may teach snowboarding again someday.
I used to do a lot of stuff with computers but I want to move away from that lonely lifestyle.
I want to always have a lot of free time. I don’t want to work more than three days a week, or maybe a few weeks on a larger project. I think living in a cheap country will allow that.
I like watching movies: classics, movies by notable directors (Tarentino, Kubrick), movies with great actors (Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Christian Bale, Johnny Depp), movies that make you say, “What the fuck?” (Fight Club).
My identity in order of how it attracts women:
1. Bassist
2. Bartender
3. Traveler
4. Raw vegan
My Dreams:
1. Become an excellent bassist and perform on stage with bands I admire (Rage Against the Machine, Muse).
2. Retire in Thailand, get massages every day, eat fresh food, breathe fresh air.
3. Backpack through Europe, South America, Australia, New Zealand, Asia; road trip across the US.
4. Never work a 9-5 again; work 3 days a week max.
5. Own my own lounge, have it cool according to my standards.
6. Snowboard around the world, following the snow as the seasons change.
Things I can do to start pursuing my dreams today:
1. Practice bass every day.
2. Do research on Thailand.
3. Plan a trip to Europe, South America, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or US.
4. Get experience as a bartender.
5. Go out and make connections with nightlife owners.
6. Plan a trip where there is snow.
7. Get a job as a bar back, move up to being a bartender.
My identity including dreams:
1. Bassist
2. Practice bass every day.
3. Bartender
4. Traveler
5. Get a job as a bar back, move up to being a bartender.
6. Raw vegan
Stayed home and texted the numbers I got from Playboy Mansion as far as I can remember.
Called a number for a bartending headhunter company I found on Craig’s List. Set up an appointment to go tomorrow for an interview.
Went to the Playboy Mansion. Had anxiety in the beginning of the night. Brad told us we should just stand around and get opened by chicks. I wasn’t good at this passive form of game and it made me more anxious.
I chatted with a Canadian chick, who was wearing jeans and a big shirt while everyone else was in a bikini or less. She had a nice face though. I suggested taking her to the zoo, but she apparently had baggage: two other guys followed. Fuck that. I walked really fast through the crowd and lost them. Passive aggressive? Yes.
Three girls under umbrella.
Black girl, made out, she left.
Met Canadian chick again, built comfort, got her number.
Twin Mexican models, got one’s number.
Two girls kept following Drew, Nomad, and me around. I didn’t think they were hot but at the end of the night their logistics were in our favor so I brought one home. Once she was not surrounded by tons of naked chicks she looked hotter, oddly enough. Escalate, LMR, repeat until she took a cab back.
Fuck. I’m really behind and I’ve forgotten so much already. I hope to catch up soon.
Woke up, drove with Drew for an hour and a half to exchange my bass. Meh.
Met up with Turbo. Had a nice salad. The three of us hit on the waitress at once, then Turbo got her number since it was right around where he lived.
Picked up Nomad, watched District 9. I liked it, but I didn’t love it. Plot wasn’t very exciting, but I think the human-alien interactions were realistic.
Did some fishing.
Played with my shiny new bass. So happy!
My casting call was today at 4:05. I planned to start driving at 2:30, but left the house at 3. Tons of traffic going to Santa Monica, but I arrived at 3:30. Did my thing, got back to the house at 4:15. Not bad, but not enough time to exchange my bass, since the place closes at 5. I should have left to the casting call earlier. Oh well. Tomorrow’s another day.
Practiced a lot of bass. My fingers are burning from all the sliding I’ve been doing, haha.
I threw out a lot of clothes I no longer wear, worn out socks and underwear, mostly. Shit not even salvation army will want. All part of the process of cleaning my room so that everything in there makes me feel good all the time. I’m also starting to listen to music all the time, or playing music, or reading. It’s pretty nice.
I packed my bass in preparation for the exchange tomorrow.
Ate two of Dylan’s guacamole packs. Really delicious. Probably not raw, Nomad later informs me. Oh well.
I played some acoustic today, which is easier on my fingers than the bass. I feel my guitar skills going up, yay!
Texted back and forth with two girls today. Called them, neither picked up. Oh well.
Saw an ad on Craig’s List looking for inexperienced bartenders. I might go for that. Also saw another ad for two free weeks of free massage classes. I might go for that as well. With these two skills under my belt, I’m invincible!
My bass was supposedly delivered and we supposedly weren’t home. I called UPS and Nomad and I drove to the center to pick it up. I pick it up but there’s no amp! It turns out I misread the eBay auction, they listed an “amp cable”. I thought they just didn’t use punctuation. pwn’d.
We went shopping for burning man. I found a pink fur coat for $5. Very happy about that, though it kinda smells like BO. Oh well, what can you do. I sprayed it down with Febreeze.
Went to raw supermarket, saw a girl on my way in. Went straight up to her, no hesitation, horse girl. Midway she stops me and walks off. I patted myself on the back for going in without hesitation.
Since I needed an amp I went to the Guitar Center. I parked next to a wall in a dark parking lot. As I backed out alongside the wall, I scraped up against a short yellow pole. Fuck. Now I can hide a midget next to my car.
No longer confident about my driving, I drove very cautiously. Determined to overcome my overcautiousness, I pushed myself to drive more recklessly. A light is about to turn red, so I floor it. I don’t make it, and I see a flashes. Fuck. I stopped on the crosswalk, so with luck that means I didn’t get a ticket.
No longer in the mood to go out, I went to Drew’s place and played with my new bass and amp. Drew points out some flaws with my bass so we’re going to exchange it. The bass is a lot harder on my fingers than an acoustic.
I left in a much better mood. I love my bass.
I’ve unsubscribed from almost all mailing lists, canceled most of my online accounts, and other crap that sends me mail. Nowadays I get so little e-mail that I can probably get away with checking it once or twice a day. I’m going to try doing that. In the past, I always have my gmail open on one tab. Now, I’m going to keep it closed and only check it when I remember to. Hopefully it won’t be ever five minutes.
Called the casting people again, left them a message. He calls me back and tells me they’re casting Wednesday and Thursday. I’ll probably be set up for Thursday, but he’ll let me know tomorrow. I hope I get cast!
Did more No More Mr. Nice Guy stuff.
Watched Happy People with Nomad. Funny movie, but it made Nomad depressed. I’ve never seen him depressed. One topless video conference later and he’s feeling better.
I started watching the Kubrick films, starting with The Killing. Perhaps in time I’ll come to appreciate it as the masterpiece everyone says it is.
Practiced a lot of guitar.
At a raw supermarket today, saw a girl. Horse girl, she forgives me. I went into rapport because I was nervous. She tries to get away but I tease her for some comment she makes. I go for the number but she says she has a boyfriend. I whip out 8 girlfriends but fumble and choke. Awkward.
Brad came by to check on the air conditioner situation. He buys a bunch of fans and other stuff to help us out. We’ll see how well it works tomorrow.
My bass arrives tomorrow!
I called eight girls. Zero picked up.
Nomad, Drew, and I got drunk and jammed on guitar all night. It was great. I puked.
Ways I hurt the people I love:
I am frequently late.
I criticize people, but constructively as far as I can tell.
I withdrew from my parents by moving away.
I withdrew from my ex by planning on dumping her, then when she suggested we go on a break I enthusiastically agreed and refused to get back together with her.
I let frustration build until I blow up on them in the past. Nowadays I try to be more blunt whenever I catch myself trying to hide my true feelings, even if it’s after the fact.
This activity is not finished until I talk with either my ex or my parents about my caretaking and victim pukes.
I’m going to give up caretaking for a week, perhaps forever. This activity is difficult because among Nomad, Mr. S, and I, the three of us can’t really find things I do around the house that’s a caretaking thing. It helps to be lazy.
But as I go throughout my day, I’m going to just act really selfish and not do the things that I would consider doing because it will make others feel better, and make me seem helpful. For example, going out and picking up Mr. S from the airport without being asked to do so.
“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.” –Thomas Jones
I don’t have a significant other, but the latest thing that I did that comes close to a covert contract was my celebrating Nomad’s birthday. I treated him to lunch and generally celebrated his turning ancient. In return I expect some attention given to me on my birthday.
In actuality I don’t expect anything from anyone on my birthday, though it would be a pleasant surprise.
That’s a lie as well. Last year I invited a ton of people for my farewell/birthday party, and expected people to come. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t have even had one.
Nomad, if you’re reading this, how does it feel to respond to an unclear agenda?
My Boy got into an argument with his girl while I was in Shanghai. She bitched him out in front of her friends and he just took it silently. He later said that he had to “take it like a man”.
I disagreed, though I didn’t say anything because I didn’t feel like giving relationship advice.
A man should take pain he has to, in order to achieve a higher goal, without complaint. In his eyes, his higher goal is to remain with the girl and make the relationship work out. If instead he stood his ground and showed her his boundaries, I feel she would respect him more and not bitch out at him in front of her and his friends. Or, if she won’t respect him, then they’ll be broken up. But that means they shouldn’t be together anyway.
I asked him why he was with this Shanghainese girl, if he recommended I stay away after the incident. He said that he wanted to work out his life and stop leaving things half-finished. His last few relationships he bailed too early, he felt. I don’t think he should be forcing himself to be with a girl that’s not working out, but I respect his decision.
I think it’s okay to have needs, but some needs are publicly accepted whereas others are not. For example, the need to masturbate isn’t as accepted as the need to watch TV.
I believe that friends, family, and people tend to help each other meet their needs to an extent. If all a person does is ask again and again, they may not get help. Also if what they are asking for is out of the ordinary, they may not get help.
I do believe the world is a place of abundance, to a degree. I would like to raise the level of belief I have in the abundance of the world.
I’ve decided to stand up for myself against people who piss me off, namely my parents and the Ex. My parents I’ve started telling them I won’t do what they tell me to do.
Today the Ex called and as usual wanted to talk about her miserable love life. I didn’t care, so I just told her to stop, and that I didn’t want to hear it. She asked me if I’m going to be a prick forever. I said only to her. She said she didn’t need this and hung up.
Mission accomplished!
Good things I can do for myself:
Exercise
Get a massage
Get a physical
Listen to music
Watch movies
Read
I can’t think of anything to either stop doing or do more intensely from the list from activity #4. If anyone can suggest something, please let me know!
I believe that people who already know me can see my imperfections and still love me, though I don’t think they would love me the same way as if I were presented in a perfect way. Of course, I’m not perfect and can’t even present myself in that way.
If I knew the people who care about me would never leave me or stop loving me, no matter what, I would act a lot more free in front of them. I would tell them exactly how I felt when I felt it, I would share my dark secrets with them for analysis, I wouldn’t need to hold back words. I’d probably hit them if they pissed me off, haha. So don’t piss me off.
Nomad’s birthday! Woohoo! We went to a raw food restaurant in Santa Monica with Drew. Drew and I treated Nomad, then we went to watch Bruno. While we waited for the movie to start we did some game at the mall.
I sat down next to a girl, ran horse girl, felt awkward, ejected. I couldn’t find any other girls to approach.
Time’s up, we watched Bruno. Fucking hilarious.
We went back to House 2 and planned stuff for Burning Man. Can’t wait to go!
Got back home and watched Red Dawn. Interesting movie.
Mr. S gets back tomorrow. I can’t wait to practice bass in the middle of the night.
I shared an IM session with Nomad while I was in Hong Kong with Brad.
To stop parents from trying to influence me, make it hopeless, demoralize them.
State clearly and assertively what you’re going to do, and what they tell you, you’re not going to do it, not going to take their advice, not listen.
“I’m going to move wherever I want, I appreciate your advice but thanks but no thanks.”
I know you mean well, but I don’t care for that reason.
If I want your advice I’ll ask for it.
Let them know you will never give in and it’s hopeless.
I don’t agree but thank you for your concern.
“Yeah there’s a lot of parents who try to use guilt to control their children, but it’s not going to work on me so don’t even try it.”
Nice Guy syndrome:
The Ex walked all over me for a week, Brad would have kicked her out after day 1 without getting laid.
To do:
Develop identity
Work on dominance
Voice tone
Feminine hand gestures
Day game advantages
Callback rate higher
Disadvantages
Pulls unlikely
Night disadvantages
Defenses up
Numbers bad
Quality suspect
Adv
Snl
To meet girls I want go to places they will be, change my routine to go to these places a lot
The pursuit of happiness
Have goal: ideal girls
Where:
Bookstore
Mall
Coffee shop
Campus
Theatre
Video store
Have to have something to do at some places, to wait for girls to arrive, do something u already like to do
Interrupt your day to hit on girl
Conversation:
Athletics: running, rock climbing, hiking, snowboarding: want to travel world
Travel: shanghai, Thailand
Music: want to play with rage muse
Movies: Kubrick films, etc
Raw vegan, health
Hacking: broke school network
Cold read into stories
Multithread: throw lots of hooks
Day: less attraction routines, less touching
Hey I noticed u checking me out for five min, kinda feel like a piece of meat right now, but there’s more to me than meets the eye, so let’s exchange numbers
That’s so cool, usually girls don’t tell me they have bf until were having sex, so stop looking at me like that, stop it!
I noticed u checking me out. Nice. U have good taste
U look married, ru married? I can sense it. I got this friend, getting married but we don’t like her, gotta tell him
We went to a mall for my 1-on-2 with Bobby.
Bobby points out two girls sitting down and some other set I don’t even see. I go to the sitting girls, sit right down, Oprah. Nervous as hell, but it’s my first approach of the day. Turns out to be a mother daughter. I don’t push it past the “would you sleep with Oprah for a million dollars?” and eject.
Random sleeping bag appears in House 1.
We go to the Forever 21. I am told to use a situational opener, so I open a cute girl, asking for help with buying my mom clothes. Turns out she just turned 18 two weeks ago, from Sweden. Sweet. She’s here for another 10 days. Sweet. I set up a date for Tuesday afternoon. We’ll see how that goes. I get her number.
We go to the Sephora. Same thing, situational. Girl gets into it but she’s in a rush so I let her go. I should have gone for the number, gone direct or something. Lesson learned.
I approach an Asian chick. She’s Korean and doesn’t speak English at all. Feh. Someone suddenly calls her and she’s off. Thank god.
On our way out I comment on a girl’s shoes. Bobby takes over for a bit. I watch Bobby’s game, then we leave.
At the parking lot I see a hot girl. With Bobby’s advice about interrupting my day to approach girls in mind, I run after her, go direct. She has a boyfriend. That’s great, I’m so glad she told me she has a boyfriend, most girls don’t tell me until we’re having sex. Now we can be friends, but she has to stop looking at me like she has been for the past few minutes. She laughs and we high five and leave.
On my way out of House 2 I see a girl with a dog. I approach her, play with the dog a little, sit next to her on the grass and horse girl her. I do my conversation topics, but she’s not contributing much. I leave without going for a number. Actually I was trying to go for a number by asking if she knew any good tea places, which she turned down. Meh. Fuck me for not having balls to go for the number anyway, and fuck her for being lame.
The other guys go out with Bobby so I go solo.
I enjoy the freedom of going by myself, no need to worry about logistics at all. I’m in a great mood. I enter bars I never go into because I regard them as lame, but I decide, hey, as long as they have girls, it’s good. Two girls are giving free shots to promote a new sweet tea flavored vodka. I take one and tease one of the girls about their hats. They walk away.
Vodka-powered, I see only one approachable set. In I go. Horse girl, smart tests. Conversation’s fine but suddenly they have to go to the bathroom. I leave.
I drive to a college frat bar, thinking it should have more girls, but it kills my state. Fuck. One circle and I’m outta there. I leave to the dive bars but I can’t fine parking, further lowering my state. Fuck. Fine, I go back to the rocker bars instead.
I go to one bar that’s really fancy but has no girls usually. One flaming Dr. Pepper and I’m lit up. No girls so I go back to the previous bar.
I walk around the ground floor and see nothing. I remember someone mentioning the top floor being cool, so I go explore. Sure enough there are people there. I spot an Asian chick with curly hair eyeing me as I walk by. I double back, horse girl to her and her friend. Her friend’s oblivious and doesn’t speak English well. Luckily some loser’s hitting on her and she seems to be enjoying it. Unfortunately he’s not doing a good job and I command her attention for the most part. I share a lot of my identity with curly hair girl. I get her number. She says she needs to go to the bathroom, so I leave and explore the rest of the bar.
I fuck around with some girls and guys on the outside stairs, just chatting. Suddenly a cute girl joins them so I horse girl her. Suddenly I’m not welcome anymore. Whatever, I accuse them of starting shit with me, then leave with funky banter.
I see a fat black chick and compliment her necklace pendant, saying that it looks like a full moon and tell her that my ex girlfriend used to tell me that sex on a full moon was really hot. I didn’t care, I got great sex out of it. Then I accused her of trying to get hot sex out of me. We chatted but she had to go. We left on good terms.
I go back upstairs and see curly hair girl again. I chat some more, seed the possibility of an afterparty, but she’s driving her friend and it doesn’t look like it’s happening. Oh well. Her friend leaves and she leaves to look for her. I go the other way.
I see two hot girls, one with interesting jeans. I comment on them, and she says she loves my style. I role-reverse and accuse them of trying to get into my pants, et cetera. They’re all over me. Some loser tries to get the girls numbers while my arms around their waists, haha. No dice. They’re fascinated by me, keep asking where I’m from, what I like, et cetera. I keep everything mysterious. The bouncer kicks us out. I’m leaving with them when some producer guy tells me he wants to pay me $15k to make a commercial with me. The girls leave without me. Fuck. Oh well, I’d better get that $15k.
Overall a lot of old gears started spinning today and tonight. It felt really good going out by myself again. I love my wingmen, but damn it feels good to be by myself!
Haven’t done much approaching in a while. It feels good to be back in the field.
We went to the local dive bars. There were only couples except for two fat chicks, so I opened them with Nomad. Sausage fest. They have no sense of humor. I try to find out about the girl, chatting about nonsense. Nomad switches girls with me. The other girl is even more boring. Okay, let’s try some routines. Shedding cat. Nomad did it already, damn it, haha. Conversation dries up. Nomad and I leave.
I see two cute girls at the bar getting drinks. I feel anxiety but I keep walking toward them. Horse girl. The girl interrupts me to take up a booth. I continue horse girl and finish it at the booth. I touch her shoulder but she pulls away slightly so I stop for a bit. Her friend sits in the booth opposite us and Drew wings me. Smart tests, cold read that she’s not from around here (wrong), drink story. Conversation dies. I was nervous and it showed in the way I spoke quickly and in my body language. We leave.
We go outside. I see three girls standing around. Horse girl, they love it, she forgives me. We’re having fun and chatting but suddenly they leave to go into a bar. I probably should have followed them, or something, but at the time we chatted too little for me to stop them. Also I didn’t think this would be the highlight of my night.
We go to a college bar. I see two girls near the bar. Horse girl. Halfway though she turns around and tells some big guy something. He pushes me and tells me to leave, she doesn’t want to talk to me. I stand my ground, saying I like where I am. He tells me fine, but don’t talk to her. Alright, I talk to Drew and Dylan instead. We leave the place.
Once outside I spot Jake and Gabriel. We go to another bar. Big mixed seated groups. I finally see two girls standing by themselves. Horse girl. The target interrupts me several times with shit tests. I don’t deal with them well, but I keep going. The target tells me to leave, but I like where I’m at. She tells me it’s her birthday and that she’ll have me thrown out. I switch gears and wish her a happy birthday, then respect her wishes and leave. Weak frame control was the main problem here.
I’m tired and don’t approach anyone for the rest of the night. It felt good to be out in the field again. A lot of stuff I’m still rusty with, but I’m getting over it. Frame control is definitely one of those things that needs better work.
When I am running late, I try usually say I’m on my way even if I’m not, to make it seem like my lateness was either due to traffic or whatever, to avoid seeming like I don’t care about the other person waiting. Obviously I don’t, if I make them wait all the time. It’s very obvious when I am late.
If I don’t understand something, I sometimes keep quiet to keep the flow of conversation going and to avoid looking stupid, for not understanding. People probably can tell, after a while, if my eyes are just glazing over because I no longer follow the conversation.
I still don’t tell people when I’m horny and going to jerk off, even though it’s obvious everyone does the same thing.
When I am feeling uncomfortable, sometimes I don’t speak up, even though speaking up can fix it, for example with air conditioning. Sometimes it’s because I don’t want to appear prissy and easily affected by the environment. I probably hide it well, until it’s unbearable and I start physically shaking or whatever.
If I didn’t care what people thought of me, I would be much bolder, speak out my thoughts instead of holding them in, be more assertive in order to get what I want. If I weren’t concerned with getting the approval of women, I would dominate them a lot more, make them do things for me, tell them exactly how I felt when I felt it.
Having progress in game (comparing myself to others’ progress, getting jealous when others get laid)
Being in control of my negative emotions (anger, jealousy, depression)
Not being stingy (asking for money people owe me)
I am the oldest in my family. I did well in school. I thought I was better than my brother because of my grades. My dad used to be an alcoholic. My mom thinks my dad’s useless in many ways, and she has convinced me the same thing. Thus I hate gambling, because he did that a lot. I dislike the stock market because he’s lost a lot of money there. I don’t like being stupid because my mom told me my dad is, so I have to be smart. As a teenager I never drank, smoked, or did drugs. To this day my mom doesn’t think I’ve ever smoked or did drugs. In Shanghai I smoked a pack and a half in one day. But then my throat hurt so I stopped. I’ve only smoked weed so far. I’ve drank alcohol in front of my parents. I still feel that I need to keep up an image of myself not having tried out these drugs, ashamed that I have done these things. It’s a weird feeling.
I believed my mom to be very hard working, devoted to the family, working long hours seven days a week. She has a mantra: I’ve never done malicious to you. I have a hard time turning my back to my parents as they are growing old and ask me to take care of them in return for raising me. I feel guilty and selfish for wanting to live my own life.
My parents were strict and are, to this day, overprotective. I was not allowed to go hang out with friends, and stayed home instead. This was probably due to my parents working all the time so I was left home alone, where it was safe. If I had a differing view from my parents, I was wrong. If I spoke up against them, I was showing disrespect, even if I was right I was wrong. I felt powerless against them, helplessly stuck between my parents’ version of what’s right and my interpretation of what’s right.
My parents still try to control my life, more so now that I’m getting into pickup and doing so many things outside the realm of “normal”. Today for the first time I said “no” to my mom instead of feeding her white lies about what I was doing with my life.
I repress my anger to this day. I feel that it’s a bad thing to feel angry, to feel this negative energy. I’m not sure if I’m wrong about this. Actually I don’t repress my anger, I let it out and try not to feel angry by convincing myself that there’s nothing to be angry about, instead of letting it build up inside me.
I didn’t think either of my exes would make it without me. As a child, my dad was alcoholic and hot tempered. I had to be careful of what I said: if something sounded disrespectful, his anger would flare up and he would start yelling and beating. I don’t know if this had to do with his drinking. I was always scared when talking to my dad.
I’ve always been told that I was smart, but lazy. If only I weren’t lazy I would be king of the world. My laziness extends to my lack of ambition when it comes to jobs, searching for jobs, or working hard to climb the corporate ladder. I sleep late and wake late, so I am told that I am lazy because only lazy people sleep into the afternoon. I feel worthless because of my “laziness”, though Nomad calls it “lack of motivation”.
This time I plan on completing them. Yay!
It seems rational for people to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself because he’s embarrassed or ashamed of them. He’s afraid of how it will affect others’ views of him, even if he logically thinks it’ll be fine. Also he could be afraid of hurting others if they found out.
For example, I’m living out in Hollywood, unemployed and not looking for a job. Not the most glamorous thing in the world. Tonight my mom called me and asked how my freelance work was going. I told her I wasn’t doing any, and that I wasn’t looking to do any, I’m just enjoying my life. I wasn’t very assertive, so she didn’t take me as seriously as I would have liked. However, it felt a lot better, for me, to stop lying and telling her that yes, mom, I’m looking for a job; yes, mom, I’m making money.
People try to change who they really are in order to be “better”. It’s self-improvement. If they feel that others’ views of the “perfect self” seem more correct than their own, then they try to change themselves to match the rest of the world’s view of perfection. This is done in spite of the person’s opposing feelings, because those feelings must be wrong because the rest of the world said so. The world says that guys who buy flowers are good, so I bought flowers every week for my ex. She got so many flowers she stopped putting them in vases and let them dry up on my kitchen counter. She said she like them whenever she received them, but her actions said otherwise.
You all have that friend, the nice guy. The guy who you always tell would be a great catch for any girl. Would you fuck him? Would suck his cock and swallow his load? Why not? Not your type? I thought he would be a great catch for any girl.