Day 60/360: Solo Anxiety Returns

My sleep schedule is fucked.

Dylan wakes me up at noon to drive him to his doctor. At the doctor I meet The Man:

We drive to the supermarket. I’m self-conscious about my look — I’m wearing a hat because I didn’t have time to do my hair this morning. I see a girl, horse girl. It isn’t her, she walks away.

I creatively avoid other girls: what if the first girl overhears? Of course that’s bullshit — I don’t even see the girl in the store.

We go home. I nap, then waste time on the internet for a few hours.

At midnight I’m getting anxious. I know I should be out but I’m not. I feel anxiety about going alone. I was supposed to go with Mr. S but waiting for him made me anxious. I know going solo is no big deal but I’m hesitating. I talk to Dylan a little and he pumps my spirit up. I go out.

I walked to the pizzeria and got receipt for pizza last night. I chat with the waitress. I spot Tom Morello’s vandalism on the wall and we talk about him. Apparently he’s very nice. I told her I almost saw Tom Morello yesterday. Let freedom ring!

I walk past two crowds of people without saying a word. Finally, I ask a guy and girl for cotton candy. They don’t know.

I see another guy and a hot rocker girl. Cotton candy. No. Where I’m from, I can get it everywhere. I hook the guy. He asks where I’m from. New York. They’re from NY too. The girl’s from out of town. We talk about how I just moved here. They wish me luck and leave. The girl was only hot from far.

I drive to the bars.

I walk through the streets, but don’t approach anything. One bar has a lot of ugly girls. I don’t talk to any of them. I go to another bar.

There are a few girls, nothing exceptional. At the end of the bar is a cute girl. Sex last week. She doesn’t hear it. Sex last week again. No it’s not her. My authoritative face melts into an apologetic one. I leave.

I walk back to the car. The bars haven’t closed yet, what am I waiting for? Tomorrow? Fuck that.

I walk back.

I pass two guys and a girl. Fuck that. I walk back, horse girl. The girl asks if I want a cigarette. I give her an “Of course not” look and say no, then continue. I finish horse girl. The guys ask me if I’ve been to a certain club, we chat a little. I leave.

I see two girls outside an improv place. Horse girl, but I think they aren’t into it and get nervous. I finish and eject.

I see two girls standing outside a bar. About to do cotton candy, then do horse girl instead. Weird. Anyway, they love it. Unfortunately I got the shier, uglier one. We chat a few minutes, the friend leaves us alone. My girl gets nervous because her friend is gone. Smart tests, smart/hot/rich. Her friend comes back out. I vibe with the friend a little. In retrospect maybe I was overqualified; her friend kept selling her to me. Anyway I tell her to give me her number before I don’t want it anymore. She says she doesn’t give her number out, asks for a card. I say I don’t give mine out and say I already have enough stalkers. She gives me her e-mail. They explain they don’t give numbers because I’m just a random guy. Asks what I am. I tell them to guess. They can’t. I tell them I’m from NY. The friend and I vibe about NY. I notify them about our weekly BBQs.

I see two girls smoking. Horse girl one. The other walks away. I tell her she looks just like the weird horse girl. She seductively tells me, “I can be…” Hooker alert! She gets increasingly closer as I continue the opener. After I finish she immediately leaves. I don’t try to save it.

I see a black chick waiting for hot dogs. Horse girl. She’s oblivious and doesn’t pay attention. She says it’s not her and she was never that into horses in an offended yet don’t-give-a-fuck way. I leave.

I started off nervous but got bolder. Going solo is hard but it makes me stronger. “What we fear doing is most usually what we need to do.” – Tim Ferriss