I hate my old self for having no self respect. I thought that, to win a girl’s heart, I had to dedicate myself to her, to do anything and everything for her.
One night, a girl I liked wanted to bake something that required Cool Whip. I scoured the town, looking for it. About an hour in, she called me, asking why I’m taking so long. I said I’m still looking for it. About two hours later, I finally found it and brought it to her. She baked whatever it was she was baking. In the end, she didn’t even eat it. She just wanted to bake.
I was upset at her, but moreover I was upset at myself for having no self respect. I hated the way I was her little bitch boy. Martyr and I have a name for people who make themselves useful: tools.
I have since discovered that I can both have self respect and have girls like that about me. I am more confident and bring value to the relationship.
I started doing social freedom exercises. At the one where I talk to a store clerk for two minutes, I wound up getting schooled in how to wear eyeliner for about an hour. By the time I got out, it was dark and many people were gone. My anxiety also shot all the way up. The rest of the night I couldn’t talk to anyone.
I wound up having a score of 81.
Afterward I wound up in a conversation with someone close to me. She saw my eyeliner and asked if I’m turning gay. I asked, “If I were gay, would you abandon me?” She said no, she’d just kill me, half jokingly.
Later on it turns out she was really upset and crying. She didn’t like that I was no longer “normal”, and was worried that I was veering off the normal, safe path and onto a strange, dangerous path. Our arguments came down to this: she wanted me to be more normal, and I didn’t see why I should be normal.
I guess for me, the way I dress or whether I’m gay is just another attribute of mine, one that shouldn’t affect other people. It’s like her finding out that I’m 6’10″ instead of 5’9″ and suddenly freaking out because I’m too tall. To me, it’s like, um, okay. What’s the big deal? I am having a tough time explaining to her that it’s not that big of a deal.
I think advice should be given in the form: “Okay, you don’t seem to know what you’re doing. Try this: blahblahblah.” Not “Don’t be a chode. Don’t do this. Don’t do that. Don’t slouch. Don’t eat. Don’t breathe.”
Because there are so many things that work. Hell, going on movie dates work. People have been doing that for decades.
The key is to try.
Better advice is given in the form, “In the past, this worked for me in this situation: blahblahblah”. Instead of, “Be yourself. Be alpha. Be omega.”
Also, Martyr notes that it is helpful to “give reasons why they might not work” (other than “that is so chode”).
I went to a friend’s party. I didn’t know anyone other than the host, though.
One girl said my shoes were cute, I thanked her.
I tried to socialize. I talked to one guy about video games and the misdeeds he and the host did as kids. We separated after a while.
I was solo for most of the party. I tried to do the opposite of what everyone else was doing: while other guys hung out near one wall, hung out at the other wall. Most people were also comfortable talking to their preexisting friends. I had no friends, but I did see this one girl who was kind of cute. She was being followed by the host’s dog, so I very obviously and directly walked across the room to talk to her. I noted that the dog really likes her. Or maybe just her toes. We chatted about dogs, but she later walked away.
I had to leave early, so I informed the host. To my surprise, he announced my departure to everyone. I didn’t say bye to anyone else specifically, I just waved to everyone as I left.
I was definitely cautious about my behavior at the party, because unlike at parks or bars, my reputation be remembered within the group. I’m glad I actively tried to stand out.
Social freedom month is progressing. I almost all my exercises alone, except for deep dark secret. I scored 124.
Warmed up by asking what song the bar was playing. One of the four girls tried to help me, but unfortunately didn’t know it. I didn’t really plow too much, I just wanted to get my mouth moving.
Saw two girl sitting by themselves, horse girled them. I couldn’t hear the majority of what they were saying, so conversations were going one way. At least it wasn’t because of my failure to project. They found horse girl funny, but being unable to hear them, I couldn’t continue the conversation. I forced myself to stay regardless, even when two guys joined them with drinks. I eventually left. I was very nervous and had very bad body language, which I noticed even in set but couldn’t fully correct.
Shiz came up with the Two Minute game. We take turns opening girls, and whoever’s turn it is has two minutes to approach, even if it means doing so with shitty openers like, “Where’s the bathroom?” It worked quite well, but we started this game pretty late, and everyone had to go home. I asked one or two girls for cotton candy and horse girled three or more girls.
At one point I apparently horse girled the same girl twice! That was funny, as soon as I asked if she liked horses, she asked if we went to the same school together, I said, “Yes!” But they soon ignored me and I left.
We were taking a break outside when a girl came up to me and started taking pictures of my shirt. I thought she liked it, until she said, “FYI, that’s pathetic.” That upset me. Strangely enough, she later said, “I like your shirt.” No idea what was going on there.
Overall not bad, considering I hate opening in bars. I’m going to try going solo with the Two Minute Game. The month is almost over, though, so I’m kind of worried that I won’t have as much social freedom as I could have, if I had worked harder.
People always tell me I should read, listen to, or watch the news more. They always say how useful it is, how it can keep me well informed, how it can give me topics to talk about when interacting with people.
To me, the news is entertainment wrapped under the guise of education. It sensationalizes events to create a sense of urgency, to make the consumers alarmed and feel good that they are now that much more knowledgeable. Don’t eat tuna! Don’t let your daughters go to spring break!
The only news I read is specific to topics I am interested in. I don’t care about the general public’s version of the news. If something is important enough, I’m sure I will hear about it from friends or elsewhere.
I wonder how often people actually use the information they learn from the news. Do they know to be careful when driving? Do they unplug electronics when they leave the house? Or do they just go, “Hmm, interesting…” and move on with their daily lives?
I rushed the deep dark secret, basically going up to three girls and blurting out, “Hey, I need to tell you a secret: blahblahblah. Okay, thanks for playing along, bye,” and leaving. I gave myself a score of 1 for that.
I couldn’t butt in, though. It’s something I need to work on. It just feels weird, if I were chatting with my friend, “OMG Tom and Jerry got engaged!” to have someone we don’t know suddenly chime in, “OMG are you serious? They’ve been dating for so long, it’s about time!” I mean, I know I can immediately walk away after that, but it’s still difficult.
I feel that I wussed out on the rapport seeker. Instead of talking to a bum, I talked to a guy who was giving out fliers, without taking one. I also didn’t keep track of the time. I gave myself a 7, even though I felt comfortable.
Had a date with goth girl. Confirmed the date at 11 with some callback humor, to which she replied, “Sure. I finish at 8. Where do you want to go friend?” I asked Martyr and Paw Paw about the “friend” bit, they both agreed I need to make a move. Got some advice about touching from Paw Paw.
I texted her a street a few blocks from where she works. She calls me, I tell her I’m at work so I can’t really talk, but that I know she gets hungry after work and I didn’t want her to faint, so I figured we’d get food first, then figure out the rest. She agreed and hung up.
A few minutes before 8 I get to the area. I find a nice restaurant where they have seats adjacent to each other, but the wait was for an hour. I went to a place where my friends are usually hanging out (coincidentally across the street from where she works), I tell them I’m going on a date and didn’t know where to take her. They suggested a place, which I thought was great. I texted her telling her where I am, to come find me there.
“No thanks! :-)”
I was stunned. Did she mean she didn’t want to meet up? Or does she just not want to come in? I decided to call her with the assumption of the latter. There was no point in assuming the worst. I called her a few minutes later, asking if she’s alright, accusing her of getting lost just crossing the street. She said she was still cleaning up and that she’ll be there in five minutes.
Five minutes later she calls me and says she’s outside. I tried to get her to come in so I can show her and my friends off to each other. Unfortunately she didn’t want to, so I went out and met her. She explained that she was sick of being indoors and that she wasn’t feeling very social, gave me all these explanations. I shushed her and told her it was alright.
She asked where we were going, and said that she had a place in mind around the corner. We went and I looked at the menu. I told her that I also had a place in mind, and asked if she had ever been there. She said yes, but it had a lot of fried stuff. But if I really wanted to go, that we can go. I told her no, I’ve never been here before, let’s check it out.
We sit across from each other. I wanted to sit next to her (it was a table with four chairs, two on each side) but I still feels unnatural to try to squeeze in next to girls in these situations. I can do it when one side is comfier than the other because I have an excuse.
We have interesting conversation. I try to be more fun than on my last date with her, focusing on leading the conversation, my tonality, and my body language. We finish our food, I suggest a walk to a nearby park, because I know she’s tired. She thanks me and we walk there.
Up until this point it was difficult to touch her, which I gradually do, starting with her upper arm.
We arrive at the park. I suggest sitting at benches in the dark, she is hesitant, which I point out. She says it’s dark, so I point to the benches next to it, which are much brighter. We share a bench and put our stuff on the adjacent benches. The wind picks up but I don’t have the balls to put my arm around her to keep her warm. She puts on a shrug. Timidly I put my elbow up on the bench, facing her, then put my arm around her, though it was more like me putting my arm on the bench and she was had a one inch gap between my arm and her. It did allow me to be physically closer to her, though.
After a while she’s clearly falling asleep, so I suggest we go. We walk toward the subway and come across an ice cream shop that she says is great. I say, “Let’s check it out, I’ve never been here.” She orders some ice cream, we eat inside. Once she’s done, she’s suddenly energized by the sugar rush, and hopping all over the place. She grabs my hand at some point, to shake it, but I didn’t hold on.
As she’s hopping around on her sugar rush, she becomes a lot more engaging. We touch a lot more, conversation is just popping. Unfortunately it was still getting late, and we had to go. We did bump shoulders many times as we were walking, almost flirtatiously.
We arrive at the subway, hug good bye and kiss on the cheek.
Lessons: - Touching definitely helps. But I need to be braver and move faster. - Get her ice cream at the start of the night! I remember when I first met, she was very high energy and peppy. She was also eating ice cream! Work probably kills all her energy, so ice creaming her at the beginning of the date should do wonders.
Went on a movie date with Japanese girl. I was losing interest in her, but I still enjoyed her company and wanted to watch the movie regardless. So I met her, we went to the theatre an hour early, and chatted a bit while waiting for the movie. I couldn’t raise the armrest separating us, but whatever. Watched the movie. After the movie, we were walking and somehow the topic of hot hands came up. She said something about not holding hands, I said that holding hands is strictly for the Winter, she added, “And with gloves!” At the subway we hugged and I kissed her on the cheek. I play shoved her with one hand when she turned around, she reciprocated. We got into fighting stances, but then got out of it and I left.
A combination of waning interest and anxiety caused me to just not try for anything more. Toward the end of the night I felt that we could have been more physical with each other, but it was late and I had a long ride ahead of me.
In addition to not going on movie dates, I should have met up with her earlier, so that we could spend more than an hour outside the movie. I don’t know why I decided to meet her an hour before the movie, that was really silly. I think she mentioned something about being busy at a happy hour when we planned the date.
Anyway, she’s heading into my friend zone. But I do need to be better at touching.
Went to a small town’s bar area. Got lots of looks from lots of girls. Girls were positioning themselves near us, giving us tons of approach invitations. We are making our presence known, but we weren’t using it at all. Deliberated for a long time.
Went to the patio area. Figured out something interesting to say to a girl about her hair, she thanked me and said she was a hair stylist, and reciprocated on my hair. We chatted a bit. After a while she insists that I come visit her at her salon, looking through her purse furiously for a business card. She found two different ones, gave them both to me. I told her to draw a picture of herself on it, in case I don’t remember how she looks. She complies and demands that I visit her the next time I’m in town. Unfortunately she was a lot older than she looked from the back. Her friends also tipped me that she has a boyfriend, so that’s two reasons to stay away. I am shocked, however, that such a poor opener managed such a positive reaction. I guess my hard work on my style and body language really paid off.
Went to another venue. Spilled water on the hottest girl’s feet (Eva Longoria look-alike). Apologized, ran into her a few more times but didn’t approach. Asked a chubby girl about how much maintenance it takes to take care of her pink streaks, she says no time at all, they’re clip ons. I said awesome, showed her my tattoo sleeve. We high fived, I left.
Martyr and Bob wanted to talk to this girl in white, who was talking to some guy. I winged for them, talking to the guy and ignoring the girl, asking stupid questions about his wristband, watch, where he lives, where I’m from. Girl in white seems to want attention, so she starts forcing me to drink her beer. I get a mouthful from her pouring down my mouth, but I keep on ignoring her and trying to occupy the guy. Meanwhile Martyr comes in and talks to her. Eventually I lost the guy and he goes back to the girl in white. Shortly after, Martyr leaves.
The town bars were closing, so we went to a nearby town with bars open later. Could not talk to anyone for most of the night. Finally discussed things with Bob a bit, logic overcame fear, and I went to two girls, just to talk. Asked girl with very fluffy hair if she ever gets bed head. They had never heard of the term, and seemed slightly offended. I explained it to them, and reiterated the question. She says yes, she has to fluff her hair every day. Her friend ask me, “Who asks that kind of question?” I basically said I was curious. Martyr comes in and tries to help but I didn’t need help because I didn’t want anything from the group. He leaves. Fluffy hair girl’s friends discuss something, then pull her away and say they’re moving.
I need to get over my anxiety, there were too many wasted opportunities.
I am working on social freedom this month. I’d like to be able to, at any venue, at any volume music, talk to anyone in any social group. How hard is it, really? See girl I like, walk up to her, talk to her. It’s that simple.