On Tuesday, I took my AMS 301 final exam. This is the class that I had not done a single homework for. This is the class that I had stopped attending after the first month. This is the class that I crammed, not even the night before, but the morning before. This is the class that had a final so easy, I walked out of the examination room a half hour after the exam started (we were given two and a half hours).
How will I ever learn to stop procrastinating when I convince myself that I can just cram at the last minute?
Oh, that’s right. Getting a B- will probably do it. Damn Tucker and his lightning speed grading.
While the rest of the world is running around, cramming as much information into their tiny, unwilling heads as possible, I am here. I am sitting on my fat ass, doing nothing. I am procrastinating.
I have lost my will to care for anything a long time ago. I care for social injustice, I care for the environment, I care for my personal programming projects. But I don’t care about school any longer.
I don’t want to study unless I feel like it’s really applicable to me. I don’t want to cram just because I have a test. I don’t want to study at all, I want to experience. I want to learn but not for that shit you call knowledge, but for the possibility of using it, to improve conditions overall, to do something no one else has.
I suppose I am just questioning the meaning of life, one final exam at a time.
I envy those who can desire solitude, for I cannot. I seek solitude sometimes, but more often than not, I would rather do something with someone. Anyone. Human interaction is something I desire at all times; I don’t know why. I guess it’s just a nice feeling to have someone by your side. Someone who you can show something to when you find something interesting on the web. Someone you can just reach out and punch on the arm. Someone you can make silly faces at.
I used to watch movies alone. I used to go to the movie theatre while cutting class, watching the entire Star Wars trilogy, Scream, and other movies alone. Now, I can no longer imagine doing so.
Yet, I am still alone. I am cursed for I am nocturnal. I work my best late at night. All others are awake in the morning. No one can believe the relieve I felt when I finally flipped the clock and turned diurnal that one week. One week of going out with my friends, waking up ahead of everybody else. One week of seeing daylight. One week of seeing others of my species, walking around, clutching desperately to their precious cups of coffee.
It is my own fault, really. Always trying to stretch out the day, tricking myself into believing that if I were to sleep later, then I get more work done!
But then, if it weren’t for all these late night sessions, I wouldn’t get any “work” done. This blog would not exist. I would not be who I am.
I remember when I was first choosing colleges, when I was still with Irene. We decided that we should not let each other influence our choice of colleges. After all, while our relationship may have been a temporary thing, the college we chose was not. I didn’t want to go through life knowing that I gave up my dreams for a girl I knew years ago. I also didn’t want to go through life knowing that I ruined the life of a girl just because she followed me to college instead of going with whatever dreams she had.
Of course, we always have shows like Felicity that show us otherwise.
In the end, I think that doing what’s best for ourselves is best. That way, neither party feels like they lost anything because of the other. Nobody winds up feeling spiteful of the other as they grow old together. Living together, struggling to raise four kids that you had with a partner you’ve stopped loving years ago must be one of the worst self-made hells. Then again, love is always a risk.
I’ve never heard of anybody who regrets being successful and giving up their one true love. I mean, it’s rather difficult to tell if someone is your one true love to begin with, but it’s always easy to blame someone for being stuck in a job that you hate and a life that you wish to end. Maybe it’s just how America is, promoting self success over everything.
Of course, there are always movies like The Family Man.
My friends often inspire me to do things. A friend of mine was responsible for this journal, and now another friend of mine has inspired me to keep track of each and every site that I go to that I find interesting and/or useful. So, I have added a lot to my links page. If there are any sites that you do not wish to be placed in public view, cough Sharon cough then please let me know. I will be happy to remove them from my links page.
The best kinds of crushes I’ve had are the ones where I pick up some good habits off of spending way too much time with that particular person. One particular crush made me realize how wasteful it is to get bags after making purchases for, say, a single bottle of water, which I would immediately consume. Another has inspired me to brush my teeth regularly. There are, of course, many other people who do all these little things for me, make me want to be a better person. There’s this one girl who was in my AMS 301 class who always dressed very well. I don’t know how they do it, but some people can always look presentable. I wonder if they always purchase clothing in sets.
Rage Against the Machine has taught me to be more aware of those less fortunate around me, Sharon and Irene have taught me much about aesthetics, Eric and Ellen have made me more aware of how I fling money, Wendy has taught me that I should be more sensitive to others’ feelings, Christina has taught me that it’s okay to be a nut 24/7. Linda has taught me how to keep a friendship through time and space. Nikki showed me how to be down-to-earth. Greg has taught me that there’s nothing wrong with homosexuals. K.F.C. has taught me more than I ever realized when I was in her class about oppression, racism, sexism, and just about every -ism you can think of. Cindy showed me that it’s possible to be the coolest person in the world and yet still kick ass in school. My brother has made me realize all the mistakes that I have made when I was his age, my dad has inspired me to never gamble, my mom has inspired me to work my ass off.
Thank you, everybody. And forgive me if I left anyone out.
I was impressed. You said you had goals. Dreams. You weren’t going to let anything get in your way. No distractions, no boyfriend. Next thing I know, you disappear from the world with your boyfriend.
You’re still saying the same things now. You’re still doing the same things now.
You have a friend, you like her (or him), but as happy as you are with the way things are, currently, you want more. You want them to want you as much as you want them. You want them to leave their boyfriend/girlfriend, you want them to see how much they deserve better. You want them to know that you’ll treat them the exact opposite of the way their current lover is treating them. You want everything to change, but you don’t want anything to change.
What if you told him/her? How would they react? What if they don’t like you? What if they start avoiding you? What little happiness you have with them right now will be gone, forever. So you don’t get greedy. Don’t get greedy! Just stay as you are. As a friend. Keep your distance. Lie your ass off. Sneak in an occasional compliment, hoping that it will sway her/him a bit. Try to spend as much time with them as possible. But do so as a friend, you see? Do so in such a safe way as to not ruin what you have. Take baby steps. Wait for your chance. Wait for when they break up. Do the honorable thing.
And what if they do break up? What then? Will you immediately get together with them? Will you be so able, be her knight in shining armor, rescuing the damsel in distress?
And so what if they’re single again? Do you know how many others are waiting in line? Take a number, fool. Go to the back of the line.
Cutting in line, eh? You sick fuck. You’re not a true friend. You’re just a wolf in disguise. You were only interested in being her friend because you think she’s hot. You were subtly trying to break her/him apart from her/his boyfriend/girlfriend. Whenever she/he has problems, you’re always there, aren’t you? You’re always the one they first turn to, always willing to accept what they have to say. You’re always there, listening to their problems, relishing every syllable. In fact, you probably just tell her/him that they should break up. “Oh, no, I just try to remain objective,” you convince yourself. Do you really think you are capable of being objective? Do you really think that you didn’t have other wishes than “what’s best for her/him”?
No.
You are not good for her. You are not right for her. You are not a good friend. You are not an objective advisor. You are not what you seem to be. You are a wolf in sheep’s clothes. You are waiting to pounce upon your prey when you have the chance, to seize the most precious prize of them all.
She/he won’t be happy with you. You’ll bore the crap out of them. You’ll be done and over with, within a week. Who said you’ll even get a week? You’ll just lose your friendship. You’ll lose what little you have. Your precious time with her/him. Why risk it?
It’s much safer on the side. It’s much safer as a friend.
Yesterday it snowed quite a lot. It snowed enough for the school to declare a state of emergency and cancel all classes after 12 p.m., anyway. I still say that this is nothing compared to Syracuse, but whatever. I got a day off (from school, anyway).
I was hungry, and since I was recently diagnosed to have an ulcer (I think) I decided to to eat with my friends.
During the car ride back, Christina wanted to go to Bed Bath and Beyond. We drove there, but it turned out that it had already closed. Seeing as how she had her back turned, facing the locked doors of Bed Bath and Beyond, I decided to throw a snowball at her head. As she turned around, she seemed oddly calm, even with a splatter of snow in her hair. She started walking towards me, and took out her white mittens.
I ran.
I managed to unlock my car (thank God for the remote) and get in, locking the doors. Unfortunately, my friends needed to get in somehow, so I let them in. Waiting outside was Christina, with a big pile of snow in her mittens, yelling at me to get out. I refused, naturally. She shouted, “Damn!” and threw the snow down. She got in the car, and I thought it was all over.
While I was lost in this barren parking lot, trying to fumble my way out, Christina opened the window on her side and grabbed snow to toss at me. I proceeded to do the same to her. Eventually, I called a truce and said, “Even?” She agreed.
I pushed the window lock button on my side.
I then opened my own window, and tossed some more snow at Christina. She tried to open her window, in vain.
Due to recent circumstances, I had to purchase some “energy drinks” to keep myself awake. So I went to the 7-Eleven and bought myself a single can of Red Bull. As they scanned the can, I saw an additional charge of five cents for the can, to be redeemed at a recycling center.
Now, I don’t know how many of you have seen a Red Bull can, but they aren’t the ordinary cans that you drink Coke and Sprite out of. They’re smaller, thinner cans, because they fear that if you drink too much of these, you’ll die. I was just thinking, “where exactly would I go to redeem my five cents? What supermarket recycling machine accepts cans of these size?”
Oh my God, the only sleep I got was when I fell asleep at work today. Project due tomorrow morning at 9 a.m., followed by presentation Thursday, homework Thursday, midterm Thursday, semester-long game due Friday, and finally, operating system project due Monday.
I hope you all have shovels because I’ve already got my titanium spork to perform seppuku with.
Today I gave money to these sorority girls, who were blabbering about how they were giving to some poor unfortunate people or something. I gave them a dollar, not because I didn’t want to give money to the poor, but because I wasn’t too sure that they were actually going to give money to the poor and not going to spend the money on booze. Still, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I hope that a homeless kid will get a nice warm blanket this year.