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Rate Your Relationship – Are you in a healthy one?

How do I know if I am in a healthy relationship?

The best way to gauge the health of your relationship is to think about how you feel when you are with your partner or expecting to be with him or her. In a healthy relationship your partner wants you to be your best, cares about your needs as much as his or her own, and supports your growth and success.

So in your current relationship, when you are with your partner, do you feel…

Here are some additional questions to help you further evaluate your relationship.

  1. Does your partner usually listen to you when you talk?
  2. Do you make an effort to listen to what your partner is saying?
  3. When you argue, do you both try to find solutions that are satisfying to both of you or does one of you always try to “win”?
  4. Do you have the freedom to spend time with friends and family members without being made to feel guilty?
  5. Do you share responsibilities for making decisions?
  6. Are you able to make your own rules about responsibilities and appropriate behavior regardless of traditional sex roles?
  7. Do you and your partner allow each other to be human and therefore “less than perfect”?
  8. Do you take equal responsibility for sexual behavior and activity; are both of you comfortable with who takes the initiative?
  9. Do you allow each other to explore interests outside of those you share?
  10. Do you both place value on your own as well as your partner’s needs and work towards finding a balance in meeting them?
  11. Do you and your partner feel good about introducing each other to other friends and/or relatives?
  12. Do you enjoy spending time with your partner?

In talking with students who are in healthy relationships there seem to be common themes in what they feel is important. These include ongoing open communication, a willingness to compromise, acceptance of who each other is without needing to change each other, a willingness to take chances and communicate true feelings to each other, personal self-esteem so that one is not overly threatened by the other’s success, and flexibility.

Most students agree that certain characteristics are not likely to lead to a long lasting healthy relationship. The most frequently discussed traits that cause problems are jealousy and possessiveness. Also high on the list of signs of trouble is the feeling that one could change his or her partner. While at times one partner may modify their behavior to please the other, no one should ask you to change who you are as a person.

A healthy relationship does not depend on constant agreement, sharing all interests, or spending all of one’s time together. The ability and wilingness to discuss and compromise, taking turns getting one’s needs met, enjoying and supporting growth in each other, respecting one’s differences, and taking time to work at the relationship are much more important.

At what point do you decide a relationship is not working and it is time to call it quits?

Some people make the mistake of thinking they have fallen out of love when the initial infatuation phase passes and those intense good feelings start to wane. When we fall in love our bodies produce chemicals that “make us feel good”. The length of time that lasts is very individual, from weeks to many months. When this stage is over, and the couple decides to stay together, the real work of getting to know each other and learning to be a couple begins. The fantasies start to fade and the real people emerge. Some feelings of disappointment are normal as you learn about or start to recognize each other’s flaws and annoying habits. Sometimes people find that they are not really compatible at all, while others decide that the characteristics that attracted them to the person in the first place over-ride the issues that need to be addressed.

It helps to have a good idea before you start a relationship of what is important to you, what you need in a partner and what things are negotiable. Being too rigid may leave you looking for a very long time. Not having any idea of what is important to you may make it more difficult for someone.

So once you’ve decided to give the relationship a chance by getting to know the real person, what then? Go back to the original list of how you feel when you are with your partner. No one feels wonderful with his or her partner all the time, but if you feel miserable all the time then something is wrong. You may want to discuss the difficulties with friends, family members or a counselor who can be objective and help you sort things through. Sometimes couples counseling can help to learn to listen to each other and make decisions that work for both parties. Only you can decide when it is time to move on and look elsewhere.

That being said there are distinct signs of serious trouble that we all need to be alert to.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Physical Abuse

Signs of Potential Violence

For assistance in dealing with an abusive partner:

The Wo/Men’s Center: 632-WOMN

University Counseling Center: 632-6720

University Police: 632-3333

For more information on this or other health-related topics visit the STUDENT HEALTH SERVICE CHOICE Center Resource Room on the second floor (217) of the Student Health Center or call us at 632-9338, 6682, or 6689.

Written and produced by the SHS-CHOICE Center