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Human Sabbatical

I’m taking a human sabbatical. This means that I won’t be online, I won’t be contacting people, I’ll be all alone. With my own thoughts. For one month.

I realize that being around people, I act in unconscious ways. I become unaware of my own thoughts and needs, until I’m finally alone. Then they come out of hiding. I’d like to meet them.

February will be a good month for me to do that. There are no visitors. My birthday has just passed. I have the apartment to myself. Just me, my bed, and my mat.

Also I’ll be doing a Vipassana retreat, so ten of those days will be spent in silence anyway. So this should be a piece of cake.

I’m a little scared of what I’ll do to fill up the time. But I think I’ll come out knowing myself far better.

Solitude and Leadership

Solitude and Leadership:

It seems to me that Facebook and Twitter and YouTube—and just so you don’t think this is a generational thing, TV and radio and magazines and even newspapers, too—are all ultimately just an elaborate excuse to run away from yourself. To avoid the difficult and troubling questions that being human throws in your way. Am I doing the right thing with my life? Do I believe the things I was taught as a child? What do the words I live by—words like duty, honor, and country—really mean? Am I happy?
[...]
So it’s perfectly natural to have doubts, or questions, or even just difficulties. The question is, what do you do with them? Do you suppress them, do you distract yourself from them, do you pretend they don’t exist? Or do you confront them directly, honestly, courageously? If you decide to do so, you will find that the answers to these dilemmas are not to be found on Twitter or Comedy Central or even in The New York Times. They can only be found within—without distractions, without peer pressure, in solitude.

This is so great. And it came at such an appropriate time in my life.

I Don’t Know

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t know what I’m doing with these videos. I don’t know what I’m doing with my site.

I’m just exploring.

To new experiments! To the unknown!

Online/Offline Inverted Personalities

(Sorry about the cut-off video. I ran out of space on my iPhone.)

I find that when I’m online, I am “hyper expressive”. I want to interact with everything, I want to talk to everyone. I want to comment on everything. I have an opinion about everything.

When I’m out with people, I shut down these days. Instead I feel the disgust I have with people. Very rare exceptions.

In the past, it was the opposite. I would be conservative about posting stuff online. Actually I’d have writer’s block of some sort. I’d think my shit was boring and not want to post it. I’d be very socially interactive with everyone in real life.

I think the social introversion (in real life) is me being sick of the learned manners, the autoresponses that I’ve accumulated the past few months/years.

The online extroversion is an interesting thing. I find myself actually holding back what I say, since I’m aware that I’ve got so much to say. I find myself trying to not be such a fussy dick online.

I think I suddenly want to be risky and say lots of stuff online, but I don’t want to risk alienating my audience, however big it may be. (However small.)

Just like I have to fight the urge to be polite in real life, I think my next step is to fight the urge to hold back online.

Lizard Brain Taken Over

I’ve become more compulsive. Less thinking. Kind of mindful. Kind of ADD.

Flu, Laziness, and Fasting

I have the flu. I’m too lazy to go out so I stay home. There’s no food so I fast. I backwards-rationalize the fasting with Google, only to find some crazy dude who water-fasts for 34 days. That scares me into eating random crap I find in the room.

OMG two videos in one day. This is what happens when I lock myself into a room the whole day. Apparently I don’t look very deep into myself, I just surf YouTube and make videos.

Blocked! (No offense.)

People have been quite upset after getting blocked by Gwen Bell and Ev Bogue. I defend Gwen’s decision to block me and talk about different paths people take in life.

Hyper Expressive

I’ve been trying to merge the two Rays: the antisocial Ray, with his mindfulness and his ability to feel his emotions, with the social Ray, with his bubbly personality and quick wit. Together with some flu/cold medicine, I became Hyper Expressive Ray. Watch me talk nonstop today!

Sometimes drama makes life more interesting

I was at a vegetarian restaurant and I plopped a spoonful of ghee (clarified butter) onto my food. The people next to me got up and left. Then the manager brings by a National Geographic magazine. The topics ranged from stabbing hearts to bug eggs. Thanks, eating! Finally the table across from me has a couple. The guy was explaining to the girl the rules of poker, while she was painfully smiling and pretending to be interested. Luckily for me, I wasn’t officially part of the conversation. I got up and left.

Dear Internet

Please don’t take me and my comments too seriously today. I am feeling hyper. I’m also sick. But better than depressed/negative/anti-social, yeah?

p.s. Does this excuse me from further internet idiotic behavior?